Post 2: Projections for Week 12 of Quarantine

Here we are in mid-March. One week into lock down time. I think so far I've crushed this shelter-in-place opportunity. Wife is happy...but I wonder where this trends? Everyone at my house is being polite, treating each other with respect - which is easy for my wife who is a somewhat formal, yet easy going person. But what happens after this lock down continues for, not a couple weeks, but a couple months? All I can think about right now is what my wife will be like by week 10, 11, 12 of this lock down....

Here's a snapshot of my home life under quarantine, today:

Me at week 1: "Hey babe, check out this bicep curl - I am totally crushing this beginner-to-intermediate Peloton workout!"

Wife at week 1: "nice work, sexy man! And nice modification on that pushup! Excited that you used your knees!"

All good now.. I'm feeling strong and sexy... but I fear where my relationship ends up in late May after 10 weeks of my nonsense constantly battering the mental and emotional retaining walls protecting my wife's fragile sanity...

Here's where I see this relationship going down the road: Me at week 12 of quarantine: "Hey babe, I just totally blasted my pecs during a life-changing workout with Shawn T... not a big deal... it's hard work being this good but it's worth it... got to stay in shape for the family..."

Wife at Week 12: "ooohhhh..... nice work, fatty. Maybe after you finish "blasting your pecs" you'll realize none of your pants fit? And stop working out in tights - really tough look for your muffin top... Also, you really think a 5 minute video makes up for 23 hours, 55 minutes of fat building? And by the way, Shawn T is a real man, you think he'd be sitting around here watching TV while the rest of the world motivates? No? I don't think so either... Awesome, I am married to the love child of Richard Simmons and some slap-dick chick who never moved a muscle in her god-dammed life... Thanks a lot, Spanky..."

And I imagine it will be going in a similar direction in the kitchen...

Me cooking at week 1: "hey babe - I slow cooked this organic chicken so that it will be done right at the same time as your broccolini kale mashup... Can't wait to throw in some of that Swahili mustard that your brother brought back from Iceland!"

Wife at Week 1: Perfect timing, lovie - should I stir you a Manhattan while you finish the haute couture chicken? Because literally everything else in our life is under fucking complete control right now".

Cooking by week 12:

Me: "Hey babe, should we break out that teriyaki marinade we got at the farmers' market? Maybe whisk that with some apple sauce and a little Himalayan stone fruit? Maybe get crazy on this mofo and toss in some paprika?"

Wife at week 12: "If you make me eat another over-cooked, over-sauced piece of fucking chicken, I may impale your head on a stake. Stop talking now - you lost me at stone fruit.. Maybe we start with you "taking out the fucking trash"... once, just once, and then maybe I'll respect you enough to have some bullshit discussion about marinades, which by the way will only makes me respect you less.... Awesome dinner, "Man"...

Family life:

Wife at Week 1: "It's been so amazing to spend this time with you" (OK she never said anything remotely close to that, but I am flowing here... go with it, Sparky...)

Wife at Week 12: "you need to leave me alone NOW. You want to help? really? If you want to help me - research a way for me to unwind your genetics from the kids' genomes and replace them with the DNA of literally any other man in the country. I'd take anyone - I don't care - go get me the DNA of Kato Kailin. Would be a complete upgrade to you. Can you do me that one, little favor?"

....OK dear reader - calm down...I know that was a lot... but luckily that's not where my marriage is going. Why? Because I am about to unsheath the fury of my 10 point plan to own this marriage quarantine. And you, dear reader, can take this spastic ball of knowledge, swallow it whole, and crawl out of your cocoon to finally become the spouse you were destined to be. It's going to be awesome.

See you next post. Until then, what could possibly go wrong...

/CheechIQ