Post 3: Sneaky, obtuse video feeds

Greetings sly reader:

You came back. This does not reflect well on you. But it's OK. Maybe you belong here. And if you're reading this post 3, you're probably not a Russian bot. I think the nonsense of posts 1 and 2 would have reffed out any algorithm trying to interpret my prose. And I use the term prose, very, very loosely.

But yet here you are and you want more. You want the roadmap to getting your spouse to be begging, pleading you to renew your vows before the house arrest fades into the sunset, like tears in the rain.

Well, saddle up my little chinchillas - you are in for one sweet marital ride. But this aint no free ride - there will be highs, there will be lows, dreams will be vanquished, and then refurbished. But I can see the light - and in that light my wife is telling me I am the cat's meow. (or rather, is she holding a white cat, sitting in a giant, black leather chair, about to push a button that says "Terminate"? Only 5 more weeks to find out).

Enough of the framing: I think by now you understand the situation and are ready for tactical advice on how to rock your marriage. Job 1: get a super sweet, hot rockin' body.

I started last week on this path. I started with some of my wife's "yoga" videos. And by yoga that I mean really crappy workout videos masquerading as yoga. These videos have as much to do with yoga as Black Friday has to do with Jesus. But it's OK, when life gives you lemons, you put on spandex and grind out to some "modified" exercises.

Nevertheless, last week my fraudulent yoga routine was under way (sidebar, Dear reader, should I be wearing Spanx?). And then I realized I had a massive, embarrassing problem on my hands. I was doing these workouts in front of my son's X-Box - which has a live, always on, direct video and audio feed to Microsoft's servers (who cares about privacy when you can watch yourself dance on a video game?) So all my downward cat poses, and every failed warrior 4 position, was watched with extreme pleasure by the nice young people running the server farms at Microsoft...

Here's a transcript from the Microsoft X-Box Spying Division that was recorded last week. TMZ broke the story - article title: "MSFT Creeps Caught Watching as a Human Train Wreck Limps Through Disjointed Exercise Routine"

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"Mr. Gates - hello, are you there? It's Ricardo from IT. We've got something we'd like you to check out on channel 94unfl24u.

"God Dammit Ricardo, I don't have time for this shit... but fuck it, pipe it through..."Whoa... is that a human? This is amazing. Melinda! Grab 4 White Claws and get in here - you have to see this shit. What is this guy doing? This is what Big Bird would look like if he had malaria and tried to play Dance Dance Revolution. This is incredible - I need to call Warren...

"Mr. Buffet - have Bill Gates on line 2. He has requested time to show you, and I quote, "the dumbest shit he's seen since the movie Cats"

"yeah Warren, it's Bill - check out the video feed I just sent you - epic!".

"Bill, this is some fantastic stuff. This slap dick looks like an under-cooked, passed-over, pig-in-a-blanket. Did he dress himself? He must have lost a bet. I'm going to grab some Funyuns and settle in; this dance monkey is the gift that keeps on giving.

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After this incident, I started looking around my house. It's now filled with live video feeds. The distance learning cams hold even more danger than Bill and Warren watching my fatty dance party.

As I've said before, and I'll say it again, what could possibly go wrong...

--- CheechIQ